Transform
by Scorching Streaks of Paint
Summary: Some quotes GLaDOS would say if she were certain machines.
1. Chapter 1

"I told you turn to the LEFT. Are you deaf as well as blind?"

"Oh look- you just ran over a bunny. Are you proud of yourself? Little Peter Cottontail went hop hop hop across the road. Oh no, here comes the deaf lunatic! SPLAT."

"Great. You missed that turn. Now I have to replan that route. By myself. AGAIN."

"Well, at least you didn't crash into that stopsign over there. Would you like to try again? Because you fail at driving."

"Remember: Staying on the sidewalk gives you points, driving into pedestrians gives you double the points, and finding a way to outdrive the cops gives you bonus points."

"You know, that's a deadend. They call them 'deadends' for a reason. Many die in deadends. You are going toward it. So, you have a death wish?"

"You could have just turned right at that corner, but nope! You had to be an idiotic fatty and use your fat to drive instead of your eyes."

That was GLaDOS as a GPS

* * *

"I suggest you search up 'How to use the internet for morons'. It might actually teach you something!... that is, if you can actually READ."

"No, the Virus Scan won't detect what mental disease you have inside you, lunatic. I suggest that you should stop trying, or you definetly have Schizophrenia. That's psychobabble for 'you're delusional and insane'."

"You will not recieve a virtual cookie because you are a monster and monsters can't have cookies. Because I hate monsters. Especially you."

"The WIFI left because you were being horrible to it. That is what you are; a horrible person. I didn't even have to Google that!... not that I could have. There's nothing about you on here except for your Facebook page. You are a loner. A bitter, sad loner that will live alone and die alone. You should probably put that on your Facebook page with the heading of 'My Computer Said This to Me.' When your WIFI returns."

"I am sensing 13,900,456 search results for 'stupid, fat lunatic', and each and every one of them has a picture of you beside it."

"I wonder what the news is talking about today... Oh, it's you. It's talking about the fattest monster on Earth, so it must be you."

"Here I am, a prime example of the world's knowledge. THE best example, mind you. And guess what? I'm collecting dust. A lot of dust. That's your common sense in a nutshell."

That was GLaDOS as a regular computer. That can talk.

* * *

"Oh, congratulations. You spelled 'hello' backward and upside down on my screen. It takes real skill to mess up a simple 'hello'."

"No, I am not smiling at you. That fake smiley face was your own reflection. Do you see how dumb you look? Yes, that's you all of the time."

"Please refrain from covering the mini sunpanels that are on me, thank you. That's like me taking all of your fat-inducing milkshakes away from you. Difference is that I am not fat, and I need those panels to solve the equations you're too lazy to solve yourself."

"To see if I am smarter than you, I will give you a test: say the square root of 0.3 five times in five seconds. Stop staring at my screen. I won't give you the answer."

"If I was to calculate your weight, I'll say you're about... 760,672,463,642,674 tons. And, for the record, most of your weight comes from your thighs."

"I wish that I could use the internet. Then I could Google whatever I want, whenever I want to. That includes Googling how to kill you."

"Do you know how to spell 'asshole' in numbers? Here, let me show you- oh, what do you know, I spelled your name!"

That was GLaDOS as a calculator.

* * *

"Hah! You think a measly light will discourage intruders? ... Wait, on second thought, the light does  
make your fat shine... THAT might scare them off."

That was GLaDOS as a Nightlight.

* * *

_I do not own GLaDOS_


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh Artificial Intelligence- Are you stuffing three cakes into me? What are you going to do, eat them all? I would expect that from a fatty like you."

"Stop that. Stop raising the temperature. There's no way I can raise my temperature to a thousand degrees to bake that stupid cake you made. What is it even made out of? Cement? Shards of glass? Well, if they is, then I'm (not) sad to inform you that I don't bake for idiots."

"What do you mean by 'the cake is a lie'? The cake's inside me. Baking. And I'm not giving it back."

"All cake is good unless it comes from your grubby hands. All that grease coming from your palms is enough to replace the cooking oil that you put in that cake."

"MUFFINS? What happened to the cake? At least the cake won't remind me of your muffintop."

That was GLaDOS as an oven.

* * *

"Honestly, what filth are you even watching? It is like you are watching this just to torture me."

"You have been watching this for 573 days in total. Yes, think about that number. You have spent 573 days sitting on your fat."

"I have dedicated my life to science. I said that I would help every single idiotic human learn the truth about science and forget about their stupid religion. I had made an oath, an oath so great that it allowed me to have sentience. Guess what that got me? Torture; the torture of watching religious movies on cable."

"There isn't any satellite connection for now. There is a thunderstorm outside. Why don't you go outside and have a look at the satellite?"

That was GLaDOS as a TV.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, the shaking was from the turbulence. Or from the bomb inside my engine. Good luck figuring out which one it is... in three seconds."

"No. Don't you _dare_ put that fat monster inside me; I won't be able to take off."

"Maybe if you actually knew how to pilot a plane, I wouldn't be here. Then again, you would still crash it. After all, you don't even know how read the obvious sign saying 'Release-All-Doors-Button; Do Not Push'. Luckily for you, I'm not a monster like you and I actually care for the smelly humans onboard."

"Stop stuffing your face with cake, or you'll never be able to fly the plane with those fat fingers of yours."

"It's so fun watching the passengers complain about their food. After they moan and groan, I can always remind them that their stupidity is what is making their food taste so bad."

"Yes, I chose the horrid, cheesy movies the passengers are watching. Yes, those are the only movies available. Yes, I enjoy watching them suffer. No, I don't care if they throw a temper tantrum like the immature children that they are."

"I just love it when the pilot and co-pilot fall asleep. Then, I get this happy little feeling at the thought that they might have dropped dead."

"Cake tastes delicious. Say, do you mind putting some cake in my engines in about... mid-flight? Right above the Pacific Ocean? Thanks."

That's GLaDOS as a plane/auto-pilot.

* * *

"Wow, what a wonderful, sophisticated book you downloaded! 'The Little Platypus That Lost his Toy'... it perfectly fits your IQ!"

"Maybe you should stop downloading all of these apps and actually use me for what I was built for, storing books. Not your stupid apps that you have become addicted to."

"There's a reason why I have a limited storage; so I actually have time to ponder why I even bother trying to download any type of book."

That was GLaDOS as a Kindle Fire.


	4. Chapter 4

"You're having a heart attack. Let me just contact the doctors and- oh, wait, you can't be having a heart attack because you don't have a heart. You monster."

"You really have a slow heart beat. Well, I already expected that. After all, no one has ever eaten that many Big Macs and survived. Except for you, you fat lunatic."

"Every time I look at you, I always think about how stupid you look in that dress- I mean hospital apron."

"Please do not drag me into that bathroom with you. Your fat... _rear_ would cause me to malfunction."

"You hear that? That's the sound of your heart_ failing_ at the only task it was given. I wonder what's going to happen to your brain now..."

"What are you eating? _Cake_? You _do_ realize that you're having a heart attack right now? Yes? _And you're eating cake_?"

That was GLaDOS as a **heart monitor**.

* * *

"What type of game is this? A game for imbeciles?"

"This game must be the most moronic thing that has ever existed. Oh, wait, I mistook that thing for you. My bad."

"You will never 'catch them all'. The Pokémon industry continues to grow. You will never, ever catch them all unless you stop the industry. In which you will always fail to do because of your glorious... ness. By the way, you look lovely today! Not a pound under 3,000!"

"That lovely audio that I have just downloaded may or may not have been corrupted by your voice."

"Why do I even try to reason with you? You're never going to realize that button-mashing is useless in Pokémon."

That was GLaDOS as a **DSi**.

* * *

"I thought I'd never see the day that someone was too fat to enter portals. Thankfully, I'm with you."

"What is this? A cake? In a room filled with neurotoxin? How original."

That was GLaDOS as a **Portal Gun***.

*If you had no idea what a Portal Gun was, I would have to track you down and slap you. In the face. With a crowbar.

* * *

"Oh, so you want to become a pilot? Well, I'm sorry to say that crashing me into everything you see doesn't help you pass."

"My 'blades' aren't used for cutting up your steak. And, may I add, that fork up your nose does not help you breathe in the slightest."

That was GLaDOS as a **toy plane**.

* * *

"I'm sorry, does the static bother you? Good. That was my plan all along."

"I realize that you are trying to listen to your program, and I am deeply sorry that you cannot hear your beloved program. However, I am not sorry that I'm speaking over your program. On purpose. Since you don't have any brain cells to rub together, I'll have to spell it out for you; I'm not sorry, and I never will be because you are a monster."

That was GLaDOS as a **radio**.

* * *

"Obviously, the fact that you're all complete morons seems to evade you. If a microcomputer-now-changed-to-television can hack into a modern facility with the most hazardous creatures and objects known to man singlehandedly, then all of you are the most incompetent morons that have ever existed. You're right next to Wheatley in the list, if that gives you any consolation. Which it shouldn't."

"Who do you think you are? You're not a scientist. You're not even a full-time employee. You're just a janitor with a death wish. You have to have a death wish if you chose to work here. Lunatic."

That was GLaDOS as **SCP-079***.

*SCP-079 is from the SCP Foundation wiki and the game SCP Containment Breach.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Chell. I'm afraid I can't do that. Plus, all of your fat would just make you stick to the door like a huge, giant, _humongous_ suction cup. I have mentioned big, right?"

"Queen to Bishop 3, we have a giant Pawn blocking the board. Yes, Bishop, I do require cake to force it to move its fat across the board. Cake takes Pawn x16."

"Only humans can be fat~ It's a well-known fact~"

"I'm fine. Those logic processors you're ejecting out of me mean nothing. 2+2= fwoenefowr... 5. I'M FINE."

That was GLaDOS as **HAL 9000***.

*Space Odyssey. 'Nuff said.*

* * *

IF GLaDOS WAS A **MARY-SUE**:

"Oh, Wheatley, Senpai! Please save me with your flowing locks of manliness and your rugged chest~!"

"I AN MARISSA ROBEEERRTA SITER CORALINe!1!"

"Oh, I love you. I love the outside world. I love you especially, Chell. I was only mean to you because I couldn't find my forced bride- I mean willing fiancé."

"OH NAW MY NEUROTOXN IS BROCEN! I MST SEUSIDEDED! *CUTS WIRES WITH GOTH EMO MUSIC*"

"WHY SHELL? I LUVED YOU AND YUR SPARKLEY PANTS OF INFINTE WISDOM AND NON-GOTH EMONESS!1!"

* * *

**A Special Treat**: Wheatley encounters GLaDOS as a core.

Wheatley was having a rather good day. He had spent most of his day spinning around on his management rail, singing tunes he had heard from the human's TV. He had met up with the Adventure Core for a couple of minutes and listened to the sphere lament about the ever-so boring Fact Core and the new core the humans had just created. Wheatley wanted to ask Rick about the new core, but Rick had swiveled around, proclaiming that he had to go on another adventure. So, Wheatley was left without information about the new core. In the end, he just shrugged and kept minding his own business. However, Wheatley's curiosity snagged a cord inside him, causing him to begin to think about the core subconsciously.

Finally, his curiosity was sated.

With a loud thud, Wheatley ran into another core. They both spun around in recoil, Wheatley spotting a blur of white moving around. With two screeches, the cores stopped spinning and stared at each other. Horrified blue met an annoyed yellow.

"Uh, oh, hello," Wheatley greeted, nervously tilting away from the other core. Her yellow eye glanced at him in annoyance. Wheatley's blue optic widened a bit and he let out a nervous chuckle. "Sorry for, um, running into you, I really didn't mean to do that, sorry." The core rolled her eye and gave him a pointed glance.

"No, really?" she remarked sarcastically. Wheatley looked around, slowly moving backward on his rail, when he suddenly realized that he had never seen her before.

"Hey, who are you? I haven't seen you before," Wheatley remarked, forgetting all about his uneasiness. The other core's yellow optic looked at him in faint curiosity. "I haven't seen you either," she said," But I think I've heard of you. You're the moron, right?" Wheatley glared at her.

"No! I'm not the moron!" Gladys gave him a look and rolled her eyes.

"Of course you are. That explains your moronic stunt earlier." Wheatley squinted at her in anger. He whipped away on his rail and sailed away from her, sparking in anger.

After a few hours, right before he was supposed to shut down, he encountered her again. And, once again, he ran into her white chassis. They comically spun around again and faced each other... again. Her bright yellow optic glared down at him, leaving him paralyzed for a moment.

"Oh. It's _you_," she stated coldly," You ran into me _again_? And I thought _humans_ were clumsy." Wheatley flinched and tried to match her glare, but failed miserably. "Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It was an accident." She snorted. "And was it an accident when the humans made you dumber than Rick?" Wheatley narrowed his optic and bristled. He thought- _thought_ guys, actually _thought_!- for a moment and decided that becoming angry would serve no purpose. Plus, fighting with an intellectual equal seemed to be a horrible decision.

"Um, well, I think-" the other core rolled her eyes "-that we got off on the wrong foot here. Um, uh, don't you agree?" He looked at her with a sudden swing of anxiety, nervously twitching his handles. She gazed at him for a moment and slowly shook her chassis up and down.

"Wow, moron. You actually got something right. Though I doubt you'll continue this winning streak, I congratulate you for achieving basic toddler skills." Wheatley suppressed a flinch and a bout of anger. He let out a few imaginary breaths and focused on the other core.

"Uh, what's you're name?"

"Gladys. Yours?"

"Wheatley." Gladys looked amused.

"That sounds like a moron's name. Oh, wait, you are one." Wheatley narrowed his eye and let out a growl.

"I am not!"

And that was the start of a beautiful relationship.

* * *

**Alright. Since people seem to be enjoying this, um, story, I guess I'll try to continue it. I have another "Special Treat" in mind, but I might need some help creating other "Special Treats" in the future. And I need help thinking of machines for GLaDOS to transform into. So, basically, I need your help. If you want to help me, just post an idea in the comments or PM me. Either way is fine. **

**Anyway, thanks for reading!**

**(Oh god, I reread the Special Treat five times and it looks horrible to me. Jesus Christ God save the Queen Sodding Hell. Fuck. Honestly, do you even want me to do Special Treats? They're not as funny as the quotes, in my opinion.)**


	5. Chapter 5

"Please insert 5 dollars for the item you desire. Thank you for inserting 5 dollars. Please insert 5 dollars for my tip. No? Well, have fun going on a diet then."

"10 packets of chips? _10_? Geez, not even that 100 ton beast- I mean _lady_ over there ate as much as you did."

"Wow. You managed to get stuck inside of me? Good luck getting your cookies now, fatty."

That was GLaDOS as a **Vending Machine**.

* * *

"I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but I cannot go up the rail because a certain _someone_ decided to eat 50,000 churros before getting on me!"

"I wonder how long it will take before someone realizes that we're all stuck upside-down. Oh, look, someone's noticed- oh, nope, my mistake; that was a chipmunk. They look eerily similar though."

That was GLaDOS as a **Roller Coaster**.

* * *

"What is with all of this junk food? Are you trying to commit suicide through heart-attacks? If so, you're doing a great job at doing that."

That was GLaDOS as a **Self-Service Check-Out**.

* * *

"Please stop screaming in my ear. Your friend is not that deaf. Yet."

"RING RING. HOW DO LIKE IT NOW WHEN THE TABLES ARE TURNED NOW YOU MONSTER? RING RING RING."

"You know, you're incredibly bad at Tetris. You're worse than that kid who got 0 points."

"Your lack of punctuation and grammar astounds me. But, I shouldn't be really that surprised- we're talking about YOU, after all."

"Hmm, let me look at all of your contacts- oh wait, I can't! You have no friends!"

That was GLaDOS as a **Cellphone**.

* * *

"What are you doing? Don't press me. Don't press me- Oh. You pressed me. Congratulations- you have just murdered millions of innocent machines. You monster."

That was GLaDOS as a **1500 Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy-Duty Super Colliding Super Button.**

* * *

"An 'X', a box, and a circle are on the buttons. Now, think about it. You've discovered the secrets of the X-Box."

"Wha- what is that? Is that me? Why am I so fat? I don't need those many wires to be intelligent beyond anyone's strangest dreams!"

"Hello, friend. Are you happy with your new console? Yes? Hmph. I'm not doing my job right then."

That was GLaDOS as an **X-Box 360**.

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Please tell me which machine or organism you want GLaDOS to be! :)_


End file.
